


Swim When It Hurts - Part Two

by jaerie



Series: You Gotta Swim, Swim For Your Life [2]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alpha Harry, Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Anxiety, Beta Louis, But no major character death, Cancer, Chemotherapy, Comfort, Depression, Emotions, Hand Jobs, Happy Ending, Harry Has Cancer, Hiding Medical Issues, Hope vs. Despair, Hospitalization, Infertility, M/M, Medical Procedures, Nurse Louis, References to Knotting, Sexual Frustration, Surgery, discussions about dying, emotional descriptions of going through cancer treatment
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-30
Updated: 2018-07-30
Packaged: 2019-06-18 19:22:58
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,370
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15492936
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jaerie/pseuds/jaerie
Summary: Harry never thought he would find himself battling cancer.  Louis never thought he would find himself so attached to one of his patients.  Neither one of them thought they would find love in such an unlikely place.





	Swim When It Hurts - Part Two

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to everyone who has given this fic a chance and sent such nice comments and messages. It means a lot <3  
> Here is part two. Part three (the final part) will be along shortly. 
> 
>  
> 
> This is part of a Wordplay prompt challenge that a group of us are participating in for the prompt "polish". To read the amazing fics that were written by the others on this prompt, [click here](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/polish/works), and to see all fics written as part of the challenge, [click here](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/wordplay_fic_challenge/works) or find the masterpost for this year’s challenge [here](https://wordplayfics.tumblr.com/post/175608230403/wordplay-2018-every-week-a-prompt-is-chosen-using).

* * *

 

 

 

 

Harry lifted his phone and stared at himself on the screen from the front facing camera for what felt like the hundredth time in an hour.  It was dark in his apartment and the lockscreen displayed 3:45am when the screen timed out yet again as he stared. 

It wasn’t that he wanted to keep looking at himself, he just found that he couldn’t stop.  For the most part he looked like himself, his face staring back at him the same as it always had.  Maybe just a bit leaner, but still the same. 

It was the smallest detail that kept freaking him out and it had taken him so long to figure out what that detail was that he had started to hyper focus on it.  

He looked so different without eyelashes.  

So absorbed with his own appearance, he nearly dropped the phone down on his face when it a phone call suddenly made it vibrate in his hand.  It was Louis. 

“I don’t have eyelashes,” he answered and was met with a pause on the other end.  

“What?”

“I don’t have eyelashes,” he repeated and curled up on his side.  He had been spending most of his time in his recliner and the space was perfect for making himself feel small and safe.  It was a feeling he often craved. 

“You’re up at four in the morning thinking about your eyelashes?”  

Louis’ voice was rough and Harry could imagine him sprawled out on his own bed somewhere out in the city, shirtless with messy hair and sleep creases on his cheek.  

“No.” Harry lied, but he knew Louis could tell.  “What are you doing up at four in the morning? How did you know I wasn’t sleeping?” 

“Had a weird dream and figured you’d be up.”  

“Why did you think I’d be up?” 

“Because you told me you’ve only been able to sleep during the day.”  

Harry smiled just a little.  He had told Louis that, but he didn’t expect him to remember– even if Harry remembered every little thing Louis ever told him.  

“Yeah, that’s still true.  I don’t know what it is about morning, but the only time I’ve been able to get some solid sleep in has been after nine a.m.”    

“As long as you’re getting some sleep.  Have you been eating?” 

Harry wanted to be annoyed about being mother henned, he really did.  It was just that Louis always sounded so genuinely concerned that Harry had started to welcome it.  

“Honestly?  Not really. Everything sounds so good that I think I could binge on anything put in front of me but then the smell gets me or it tastes like metallic cardboard.”  He sighed and rubbed at his eyes that always seemed to be too dry lately. He barely knew his own body anymore, not even able to enjoy a good pasta or a pint of ice cream.  “I think I’ve eaten all those fruit things you brought over last time, though.” 

That was another reason why Harry didn’t mind Louis being such a helicopter… friend? Nurse?  Buddy? Cancer specialist? Harry wasn’t quite sure what their relationship was but it was nice.  Especially nice when Louis brought groceries over to his apartment and ran to pick things up for him when he was in the middle of one of his irrational crises that seemed to be happening more frequently.  

Most recently Louis had spent several hours after work trying to find a specific brand of fuzzy socks after Harry’s only pair had fallen apart in the dryer.  They had been the only socks that Harry could stand the feeling of on his feet that always seemed to be ice cold. He’d cried on the floor in front of the dryer for twenty minutes before leaving Louis an embarrassingly blubbery voicemail about never having warm feet again.  

He’d mostly recovered by the time Louis had arrived with the replacements and hadn’t even made fun of him for his outburst.  Sitting himself down on the coffee table as he usually did, Louis had just lifted each foot into his lap and, one at a time, pulled the replacement socks into place like he’d just grabbed them from across the room.  There were five backup pairs in Harry’s drawer because of Louis and he knew he would never be able to thank him enough. 

The chemo had made even some of the smallest things intolerable and fabric textures had been one of his biggest triggers for a couple weeks.  He had nearly clawed himself out of a performance polo just the day before when it felt like the fibers were snagging on every individual skin cell.  Even Harry knew the description sounded crazy. Louis just listened to his struggle and then suggested a few different kinds of lotion for Harry to try that might help just a little.  

If Harry didn’t know better, he would think Louis were an omega.  

“I can bring some more over after work if you want,” Louis said through a yawn which triggered one for Harry, too.  

“You don’t have to.  You probably have better things to do than run my errands.”  

But Harry really did want him to.  The thought of leaving the house for any reason seemed so taxing, even when he got restless being cooped up in his apartment.  There was also the germ paranoia that had kicked in, overthinking every warning about his compromised immune system until he talked himself out of going anywhere with too many strangers.  

“Sadly, I do not.  The butt grove in my sofa is the only thing that misses me.”

“I don’t really believe that, but I’m not going to stop you.” 

“Of course you won’t.  You love me too much.” 

Harry could tell it was just said in jest, for fun, yet his cheeks still grew warm like he was being called out.  Louis had become someone special to Harry over the past few months and that love had grown much deeper than something he was able to take so lightly.  The constant fear of death looming over every one of his bad days made his connection to anyone feel too important to take for granted. Louis was one of the only people who knew about his struggle, knew in intimate detail what he was going through, and hadn’t abandoned him yet.  Feeling something for him had crept in fast and hard.

But appreciating that love didn’t mean he was ready to admit what it meant.  Not when he wasn’t even quite sure himself. 

“Yeah, Lou, I do,” he answered instead, all too aware of how soft and serious his voice had become. 

“It’s settled, then.  I’ll see you after work.  Get some sleep in the meantime.”  

 

—————

 

Louis had grown accustomed to his ringtone waking him up in the middle of the night so he wasn’t quite as startled when it happened once again.  

“Harry, what’s wrong?” he sat straight up when the only sound on the other end of the line was a heavy sob.  

“I can’t!”  

Louis could barely make it out through the heaves and hiccups clogging up the line.  

“Can’t what?  Harry, what’s wrong??”  

There had been many times over the past months that Louis had heard and even seen Harry upset but none of those times had been so severe.  He was on high alert and his heart was already starting to thud heavily in his chest. 

“I can’t, Lou!  I tried and I can’t!”  

Louis was balancing on a thin tightrope between frustration and panic, his sleepy mind needing clarification before he snapped.  

“My knot!” Harry sobbed and then Louis could hear the a level of defeat and despair that droned on below each sound.  “I can’t.” 

“Can you take a few deep breaths for me?” Louis rubbed at his sleep dry eyes and attempted to access his professional brain that knew how to handle panic attacks.  They happened nearly every other day in his line of work. It was something he knew– if he could just work past his own emotional connection that was trying to suck him in.  

“I’m going to come over,” Louis decided and bounced himself off the mattress to get dressed.  He didn’t have work in the morning anyway. 

“No, don’t come over.  I look terrible.” Harry could barely handle words through his hiccups and gasps which made Louis’ decision even more sure.  

“I don’t care.  I’ve seen you at your worst.  Give me fifteen, hang tight, okay?”  

Louis hung up the phone and grabbed his keys and wallet once he’d thrown on more than just boxers and headed over to Harry’s apartment.  

No one answered the door when Louis knocked, but it was unlocked when he tried the knob so he let himself in.  It was immediately apparent why Harry was hesitant to have him come over and Louis almost thought that the place had been broken into.  

“Harry?” he called out hesitantly as his shoes crunched on shards of broken glass.  In the dim light he could see the pattern on the pieces of what used to be one of Harry’s juice glasses and a splashed stain on the wall where it had been thrown.  He took a moment to clean up the hazard, dumping the broken bits into the trash and making sure there wasn’t any tiny pieces to step on before venturing further into the apartment.

Harry wasn’t in his usual spot in his chair, but the space around it was similarly trashed.  He bypassed that mess, passed the empty bathroom and stood at the open door to Harry’s bedroom.  Even though it was dark inside, Louis could still sense Harry’s presence, the heightened emotional state kicking up hormones that even his beta nose could detect.  

The light raps of Louis’ knuckles against the doorframe seemed startling though he was trying to put on a calming vibe.  He thought maybe Harry had exhausted himself into sleep but then the pile of blankets that shuddered with a residual hiccup gave him away.  

“Hey,” Louis whispered as he padded across the room and sat down on the edge of the mattress.  It took a few moments for his eyes to adjust to the darkness and eventually he was able to tell that Harry was curled up on his side, back closest to where Louis sat.  He couldn’t stop himself from reaching out and gently sliding a hand down Harry’s bare back, each rib and knot of his spine peaked beneath his seemingly thin skin. 

Harry didn’t speak and let out a long shaky breath, small sniffs and catches filling the silence.  

Eventually Louis’ leg started to fall asleep sitting at an odd angle so he rolled himself over and snuggled his body into the big spoon position and wrapped his arms around Harry’s middle.  The pile of blankets was mostly over Harry’s legs and then bunched up where he was clenching them close to his body with his arms. 

Louis’ heart ached and he pressed a light kiss to Harry’s shoulder even though he knew he shouldn’t.  

“What happened?” Louis finally ventured to ask once Harry seemed to be able to breath with some normality.  As nice as it felt to hold Harry, to comfort him, there was still the cause of his state that needed to be addressed.  

“It never happened.”  Harry’s voice was rough and cracked in the middle, barely above a whisper like that was all the energy he could muster.  It probably was. 

Louis stayed quiet and hoped that he would continue on his own, squeezing him lightly to encourage him to go on.  

“I was online looking up some stuff about– uh, just um, yeah.  I was online and I started getting hard for the first time in ages so I thought, you know, why not?  So I did and–” Harry sniffed hard, his words pitching higher like he was close to another breakdown. 

Louis just kissed his shoulder again and left his lips pressed there until he finally felt Harry’s body start to relax again.  

“It never happened.  I couldn’t get it to happen.”  

“You’re still healing. I’m sure–” 

“I’m not still healing, Louis, not like that.” 

“Chemo affects that too–” 

“Not the ability to at all, just the intensity of it or the size or hardness of it.  I’ve done the research.” 

Louis bit his tongue, so close to setting Harry into another rage like the one that must have happened in the rest of the apartment.  

“I know it’s gone, I can feel it.” Harry let out a small noise of despair, a small sob on the next breath.  “I know what it feels like, I can’t feel that anymore.” 

“The chemo and the surgery could still affect it.  Nerve damage is a common side effect of the drugs you’re on.  Most of it usually comes back.” 

Harry shook his head and then tilted it to wipe his nose on the blanket.  “I think it’s more than just that.” 

“Would you let me look because I’m sure I could tell if– Nope, no, sorry, forget I said that.”  Louis blushed and pressed his face against the back of Harry’s neck against the beanie that he always seemed to be wearing lately to hide even though Harry couldn’t see him in their position anyway.  The last thing he needed was for Harry to think he was a kinky creep trying to make a move outside his own secondary gender. Even though he kind of was. 

“You’re a nurse and have to see alpha dicks all the time, don’t you?” 

“Not exactly, I’m a certified oncology and chemotherapy–”

“Whatever, same thing.  You’d tell me the truth, right?”  

Louis’ protests died in his throat when Harry started to shift onto his back with such a pleading look on his face.  It had taken way too much extra schooling and work to be in his position for Harry to dumb it down, but he supposed it was a fair point when just looking to see if something seemed abnormal.  He’d done his time in general medicine just like the rest of them. 

“Harry, I don’t know if you really want me to do that.  We kind of crossed that doctor/patient line a long time ago–”  But Harry was already shifting to lean against the pillows while pulling his sweats down to mid-thigh which left his crotch level with Louis’ face.  

He’d imagined far too many scenarios that ended up with Harry’s dick in his face since he had started to admit his crush but none of them had been this.  A clinical request for Louis to inspect his knot for permanent damage in bed in the middle of the night after an emotional breakdown was the opposite of how he had imagined the first time touching Harry’s dick to go.  

Louis sat up and took a deep breath.  They were really doing this then. 

“These’ll have to come off then,” Louis tugged lightly on Harry’s sweats and there was no hesitation when they were kicked off his feet.  “Knees up and apart.” 

He helped to guide one foot to rest flat against the mattress and then pushed Harry’s knees apart while he crawled around to sit between them.  

Harry’s thighs were parted wide and Louis immediately regretted not thinking the position through.  His instinct had been to position him in the way he would have been on an exam table but, in such an intimate setting, it just gave Louis a full view of everything and absolutely nothing about it seemed clinical.  

“Did you experience any pain?” Louis asked and could tell that his voice didn’t sound normal so he cleared his throat to try again.  

“No, just if I put too much pressure here because it’s still a little tender.”  

Harry shrugged and touched a place along his incision just at the base of his dick where damage would have been deep.  Louis followed with his own fingers and tried to keep his expression blank and unaffected. 

Pressing gently along the scar, Louis could feel a hollow beneath it where they had cut away so much tissue, slightly warmer there than the rest of his cool skin and so obviously still trying to repair itself within.  His fingers followed the line up and he tried his best to ignore the small twitch of Harry’s dick. It was only normal to have some type of reaction to being touched. Louis had seen many times before. 

It was difficult not to have an emotional reaction when the spongy tissue he was looking for seemed absent in the aftermath of the doctor’s scalpel.  Using gentle pressure to feel up both sides of Harry’s penis, Louis could easily tell that they’d taken far more than they had reported to Harry. He could still feel the spongy curve of the bulbus on the opposite side but had no way of knowing if the rest of the spherical erectile tissue was still in tact to allow proper function.  

“I don’t have much feeling there,” Harry said softly. 

Louis had to glance up at him but then looked back down to the place that Harry was showing him.  

“What about here?” Louis asked as he slid his thumb to the underside of his cock and pressed gently at the base where the smaller of the three spheres were located.  

“There is fine.”  Harry sucked in a breath and shifted his hips while Louis felt around with his thumb.  Harry was getting hard from the stimulation in Louis’ gentle hold which at least told Louis there was some hope.  

While usually just referred to as an alpha’s knot, knots were actually comprised of three separate spheres of erectile tissue that worked in tandem to expand with an alpha’s orgasm.  Without access to ultrasound or other equipment, Louis couldn’t definitively say, but he suspected that Harry’s surgery had left only the smaller portion of his knot that was located on the underside of his penis intact.  

“Does that feel good?” Louis asked while his thumb started to stroke against the sensitive spot while Harry watched.  

“So good,” Harry moaned and Louis’ brain stuttered.  That was definitely not a professional question and was not part of the exam.  

“Sorry,” Louis breathed but Harry caught his wrist and held his hand in place.  

“No, don’t stop.”

Harry sounded desperate and his grip on Louis’ wrist felt urgent and Louis had to remember that Harry was an alpha who hadn’t been able to get off for months.  It was such a vital part of their genetic makeup that their bodies even forced them into a rut every few months where getting off was their only purpose. Harry had to be dying for it, especially after his own attempts had given him a taste of what he needed yet had only been unsuccessful.

It didn’t matter to Harry whose hand it was as long as it got him what he desperately needed and Louis was too selfish to not take advantage of the opportunity.  It was probably wrong and unethical but, with Harry’s dick already hard in his hand, he couldn’t find it in him to care. 

His thumb continued to stroke the underside of Harry’s erection with varying pressure and watched the way each made Harry’s stomach muscles clench and flutter.  It was a powerful feeling to have such control over an alpha for the first time, pleasuring one without the usual omega scents and pheromones needed to drive an alpha mad.  Pheromones that Louis would never have. 

The chemo had left Harry’s body completely hairless and Louis slid his finger tips down to stroke along the soft smooth skin.  It made Harry’s thighs tremble against his forearms so he continued to lightly explore until Louis’ palm was cupping his balls in order to touch the smooth skin just beneath them.  

That was all it too for Harry’s body to tense and his dick to jump, weakly coming in an ooze that slide down over Louis’ fingers.  

As soon as it happened, Harry started sobbing once again with angry tears and Louis was taken aback until he realized what had happened.  

Though the tissue under his thumb appeared slightly swollen, it was no where close to resembling a fully formed knot that stretched each side as well.  Orgasms for an alpha were fundamentally different than those of a beta or even an omega. While Louis could just jerk it until he was coming all over himself and be sated, an alpha’s pleasure was primarily focused in the expansion of their knot, most alphas preferring stimulation there than any other part of their anatomy.  Ripping that aspect away left just the remnants of a ruined orgasm, a weak pulse of pleasure in place of the anticipated wave of relief. 

Louis wiped his hand off on the sheet and crawled over Harry’s body to wrap him up in a tight embrace.  

“Shhhh,” Louis cooed and tried his best to ground Harry enough to calm him down.  “Shhh, it’s okay. We’ll figure it out.” 

Eventually Harry exhausted himself into sleep, Louis still wrapped around his still naked body that felt ice cold beneath him.  He carefully shifted Harry onto his side and, after wrapping Harry with one of the fuzzy blankets, took up his place as big spoon against Harry’s back.  

The beanie Harry had taken to wearing had shifted on his head to expose an area of skin behind his ear.  Seeing Harry lose all of his long gorgeous curls had been sad but being the only person so far allowed to see the flawless milky skin in its place made him smile.  He leaned down and pressed a gentle kiss there and then smiled against his skin. 

If Harry were his, he would spend the rest of his life making him whole again.  

There was no chance of Louis falling back asleep and after his arm had started to go numb and his neck started to ache, he carefully extracted himself from the bed and started to clean up the mess in the rest of the apartment.  He hadn’t thought Harry to be the alpha rage type but he supposed everyone had their moments. 

Harry’s laptop was still open though the display had gone to sleep, and as Louis went to tuck it safely into its case, the movement caused it to come back to life.  He already had it half-closed but paused to double take what was displayed there. 

It was a paused KnotHub video titled  _ Alpha Over Beta _ .  Louis gaped at what he was looking at.  

Harry had been watching AB porn when he tried to get off.  

There was another tab open on the browser for an article titled  _ The Ins And Outs Of AB Dating _ .  Honestly, Louis was shocked.  Harry had been actively researching the logistics of dating a beta, had gotten hard over it for the first time since his surgery.  It had to mean that Harry had at least a fraction of the same feelings towards him, especially after what had happened in Harry’s bed.  Maybe it hadn’t just been hormone driven. 

Louis flopped himself down in Harry’s chair with his mind blown over the possibility that just maybe they could be something special.  

 

—————

 

Harry bounced his leg nervously and flipped his phone over and then over again against the armrest of the hospital chair.  It was his last session of chemo before there would be a break for testing and evaluation of his condition. It could very well be his last treatment forever.  

And he was alone.  

Louis hadn’t been the nurse to collect him from the waiting room nor had he been the one to hook up all of his IVs and monitors nor had he been in the team that started the infusion.  Louis just wasn’t there. 

It had him anxious and twitchy and more keyed up than he usually was.  He’d even tried to stand up to pace several times only to be scolded and then nearly threatened to be strapped down– though he thought that part had probably been mostly just a joke.  

Louis hadn’t answered any of his texts or calls and none of the other staff members seemed to know where he was.  He had been on the receiving end of many weird looks after he’d asked after him a dozen times too many. Harry couldn’t help it, though.  Louis had been his constant, especially in the cancer wing, and without him there he felt lost and agitated and nervous and– after he’d spent over an hour working himself up– sick to his stomach.  A lump had risen in his throat, growing more intense until he was sure he would either throw up or suffocate if it lasted even a minute longer. 

The nurses, thinking it was being caused by his infusion, backed off his infusion rate and gave him some drugs to calm him down, but they didn’t help.  They just made him a little hazy but in the same state. 

Louis had been right.  He couldn’t go through it alone.  Louis had made sure he hadn’t. Louis had always there with him.

It was only when Louis was gone that Harry realized Louis was also the reason why he still hadn’t told his family.  Telling his family meant having someone insist on being there to care for him. Telling his family meant that Louis had no reason check in and make sure he was okay.  Telling his family felt like giving Louis up, like exposing the special relationship they had built based on his secret. 

Louis had probably known it was Harry’s last treatment and had taken the opportunity to duck out thinking Harry wouldn’t need him anymore, finally rid of his late night phone calls and needy behaviour.  A sob ripped out of his body just thinking about it. 

He was pressing the quick button to dial up his mom before he thought twice about it, sobbing over the line with no words until she had finally talked him down enough to breathe.  

“He’s gone, mom.  He’s gone and everything is so fucked up and I feel so broken and alone and I never told you or anyone and it was so stupid and I should have told you.”  Harry knew he was slurring the words he spilled between hiccups and sobs but his mom just let him rant on over the line until he’d run out of steam. 

“Start from the beginning,” she prompted patiently, her voice so gentle it hurt his heart.  He hoped she would still speak to him the same after she knew the truth. 

“Cancer,” he sniffed, “I have cancer and Louis isn’t here for my last chemo and won’t answer my calls and he’s supposed to take care of me.”  

Harry’s mom reacted to the news in the same way he had imagined her reacting the thousands of times he’d thought about it since the surgery: not well.  

She’d cried and scolded him for not telling her and then wanted to be close to her baby.  She was already in the car on the way to collect him before their conversation had even ended.  With a few hours drive between them, he would probably be just finishing up his treatment by the time she arrived.  

She cried again, kissed his face and then wrapped him up into her arms.  He wasn’t even allowed to walk himself out to the car, instead herded into a wheelchair and pushed out to the parking ramp while she cried about the loss of his long curls and how she’d missed every part of it.  

Loading him up into the car, she announced that he was coming home and she wouldn’t take no for an answer.  Harry didn’t even want to protest. The thought of being home in his old bedroom and coddled by his mother was something he had craved every time he woke up feeling like shit.  Which had been a majority of his days. She didn’t even mind when he slept the majority of the way back, just happy to have him close after hearing the news. 

He was back home before he could blink.  

 

—————

 

Louis sat on the steps outside Harry’s apartment until long after the sun had gone down, staring down the street and waiting for a car that never came.  

Not wanting to spoil the surprise, Louis had waited until it was well past Harry’s usual treatment duration to call, starting to get worried that something had happened during the infusion again.  He’d called the hospital when Harry’s phone went straight to voicemail and pleaded with his coworkers until he finally got one to tell him that Harry had been just fine and had been released hours ago.  

So Louis waited.  

He’d driven himself into a panic and then talked himself down so many times that he felt like a mess.  Harry usually took an Uber to and from his treatments since Louis couldn’t leave work to drive him and so many possible shady scenarios were plaguing him with worry.  There could have been an accident or bad traffic or an abduction. Or maybe Harry just wanted to stop off to do some shopping. 

But as time dragged on, something told Louis that whatever had happened, it was Louis who’d fucked up.  

It had started a couple weeks ago when his coworkers had started to tease him about a secret boyfriend.  It only took them a few days to break him down enough to admit that there was someone special but it was new and not official.  Since then, they pointed out every time he seemed smitten or gave himself away when he smiled down at his phone. He knew that the moment they saw him with Harry, he wouldn’t be able to hide it.  

It wasn’t ethical to date a patient, not while they were still under his care.  As much as he loved the people he worked with, they had all taken an oath and took it seriously.  They wouldn’t rat him out but it wouldn’t come without consequences. 

So Louis took the day off and spent the afternoon filling Harry’s apartment with balloons and glitter and streamers and a custom banner he had made that congratulated him on his last day of chemo.  Louis planned to celebrate the milestone with him and then, after a candlelit dinner of whatever Harry felt he could keep down, Louis was going to ask Harry to court him. 

It obviously would never be the same as a courtship with an omega, but Louis wanted to explore the possibilities so badly and he hoped Harry would be up for it, hoped he hadn’t read the signs wrong.  

Eventually it was the rustling of a shrub and the screeches of some kind of animal that finally ushered him back inside.  He collapsed into Harry’s chair and let the emotions of his day roll out in fat tears and ugly expressions. He had no idea if Harry was safe, if he was hurt, in pain, in danger.  

When his phone said five in the morning and there was just a hint of light on the horizon, Louis started to call around to hospitals and police departments in a sixty mile radius, panic and worry swelling up inside him until he found himself shrieking at a receptionist who couldn’t give him any information.  

He hung up and took a deep breath.  He ran his fingers through his already greasy hair from doing the same thing repeatedly throughout the night, not even registering the grime.  

Harry wasn’t a child, Harry wasn’t defenseless.  Harry was an adult who could make his own decisions and didn’t need to have a minder.  

But Harry also wasn’t at his full health and any number of things could swiftly go wrong.  Louis knew all the risks and scenarios all too well. He’d seen many of them happen with his own eyes, even what had happened to Harry already.  

It was mid-morning and Louis was literally starting to pull out his hair as he paced across the living room of Harry’s apartment when his phone finally started to ring, the goofy picture Harry had take when they’d cut his remaining hair so it stuck up all over the place showing up on his display.  

“Harry??  Where are you?? Are you okay?? Are you hurt??” He knew he sounded hysterical, but it didn’t matter because he was.  

“I’m fine.”  Harry’s voice sounded soft and weak and had Louis nearly crying in relief at the sound.

“When you never came back to the apartment and they said you had been discharged hours ago— Oh my God, I’ve been so fucking worried.  Where are you??”

“You weren’t there.”  His voice was still soft, fragile and hesitant in a way that Louis had never heard it.  “It was my last treatment and you weren’t there. And nobody could tell me where you were.  And you wouldn’t answer your phone and I— I freaked out, Louis. They had to give me something but it didn’t help and I as so scared and alone.  I didn’t know what to do so I called my mom and she brought me home.” 

“But I’ve been here all night!  At your apartment, all night since yesterday afternoon.”  Louis’ heart was thumping with guilt and confusion, but he still needed to know that Harry was somewhere safe first before he could even think of addressing anything else.  

“Home home.  My mom’s home.”  Harry’s voice was somehow even smaller.  

And, oh.  It was such a hard thing to wrap his head around after Harry had spent so long resisting Louis’ attempts to get him to tell his family what was really going on.  Louis had witnessed so many one side conversations when Harry had been on the phone with various family members, putting on happy front even while he was still camped out on the bathroom floor after puking his guts out or when his eyes were still swollen and puffy after having a meltdown over his thinning hair or even one time when Harry held a finger up to his lips to shush Louis while he felt for a vein for Harry’s IV.  

“Oh. I’m um. I’m glad you finally told her.”  It was Louis’ turn to feel small as he thought about Harry feeling so distraught that he’d called his mom with such monumental news at probably one of his worst moments.  Because Louis hadn’t been there. 

“Me too, I think.  She’s not happy about it, but I think it made it better that she knows that was my last treatment.  She wants to take care of me and she can do that now without the worry of if I’ll even make it.” 

“You’re feeling optimistic today, then?” Louis smiled just a little through everything at that, used to Harry’s two general outlooks on his situation.  He was either optimistic and ready for the future or wallowing in the despair of his imminent death. There wasn’t much of an in between, just those two on varying levels.  

“Numbers were good.” He could picture the way Harry probably shrugged, pretending it wasn’t a big deal.  It was. It was the good news they had both been hoping for. Louis knew Harry would still have to go back in for more extensive testing but good numbers were a good sign that he wouldn’t have to return for another cycle of chemo.  Louis had seen too many people returning for another round just when they were starting to feel like themselves again. It was heartbreaking and the last thing he wanted to see Harry go through. 

“Where were you?” Harry asked softly and the hurt was palpable.  

“I—” Louis voice was rough and he fish mouthed for something to say.  Suddenly his big plans of surprising Harry with a celebration seemed stupid when Harry had needed his support through the process.  He should have taken the day off and gone with him in a different role, as the caretaker he had become, instead of skipping out completely.

“I wanted to surprise you.  I had balloons and stuff.” 

It felt so stupid now.    

“I’m sorry, Lou.” And Louis could tell he was crying which just made him feel worse.  

“No, I should have been there with you.  I just got so wrapped up in planning everything…”

“I thought maybe you were done with me,” Harry said weakly with an audible sniff. 

“Never,” Louis protested quickly, “I never want to be done with you.  I had actually planned to, well–” 

Louis swallowed through the thick feeling in his throat.  He hadn’t intended to ask Harry over the phone. He’d planned to hold his hands and watch for his reaction as he asked if a relationship would be something Harry would even be interested in.  But he’d gone and fucked that chance up and Harry thought he had been abandoned. 

“I was going to ask you if maybe you might be interested a date?  I know I’m not an omega and it’s still not always widely accepted to date outside your dynamics.  But I really like you, Harry and I wanted to see if maybe you felt the same way? And I know you’re still going through a lot and I understand if you don’t want to jump into a serious relationship.  But none of it is new to me. I’ve been there the whole time and I know your struggles and what you’re dealing with and how difficult recovery is. I know what I would be getting into and I want to be there for you.  I want to keep seeing you almost every day and bring you things when you need them and take care of you when you’re not feeling well and celebrate with you when you get the official good news. I want to be all of that for you if you have any interest at all in trying this with me?”  

“You want to do all of that for me?”  Harry asked softly with what Louis dared to interpret as hope.  

“Absolutely I do.”  

**Author's Note:**

> [here's a tumblr post if you enjoyed!](http://jaerie.tumblr.com/post/176450846272/you-gotta-swim-swim-for-your-life-a-series-by)


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